"It's long overdue that all professional sports organizations take a good hard look at themselves," stated Bud Selig, who many say is heading this investigation to detract attention from the awful shape of MLB, "and once and for all figure out why athletes attract these kind of women."
"We don't really know what he meant by it," says Kim Gandy, President of the National Organization for Women (NOW), "but we couldn't agree more. It doesn't matter if he meant the gold digging, trying to live the high life, never worked a day in their life bimbo, or if he meant the kind of woman who just won't shut up, either way he's right. We can't let the ex-high school cheerleaders of this country run away with millions of divorce dollars at the first punch. NOW is not about defending those bitches."
NOW has turned out to be an unlikely ally to the player's unions of all the major sports. "It's time we stopped treating the wives and girlfriends like the pampered stars that their husband and boyfriends are," said Eric Snow the Philadelphia 76'ers player representative of the National Basketball Players Association. "We can't just arrest one of the best players in the NBA on the word of his naked wife and her crazy family. This kind of thing just happens too often, we have to find out how to get our players to avoid women who deserve beatings."
Indeed, one of the focuses of the investigative panel will be to develop an education program to teach players how to choose a mate that won't talk back, and will appreciate what she has. Apparently there have already been player organized intervention style meetings designed to help individual players see the problems they are having, and get invaluable information from teammates on better beating techniques to eliminate or hide bruising.
There has also been talk of the creation of a private security groups that players can call when their significant other gets unruly.
"Let's face it, when the woman gets crazy and starts getting violent, professional athletes hesitate to call the police because they don't want to show up in the papers the next day as the guy who gets beat by his wife," notes Chuck Finley who did exactly that earlier this year. "If there had been a special MLB Spousal Enforcement Unit to call out to the house, remove the spouse, calm her down, perhaps relocate her indefinitely...I would have used it."
