The name Ted/John is currently using is "Wayne "Billy" Williams". He seems to frequent some seedier establishments that encourage jock straps and sailor caps as preferred attire. A local bartender was quoted as saying," Not that he's that type or anything, but the beer is cheap, and the older chicks actually seem to dig it. He's truly free at last".
It's rumored that he disappeared to escape the half-assed craziness of his family. His foresight of their fight over his body was brought on by their constant attempts to try and scrape some tissue from his skin apparently for future cloning. He was last quoted as saying, "I just got sick of their constant jabbing at me with Q-Tips. Shit, I'd never make it in baseball today, not to mention Hollywood, and at least half the people down here are more wrinkled than me. Besides, where else but America's only frost-free city would I go to avoid having my body frozen?" Rumor has it, that he has faked both his deaths, and frozen the body of Ross Perot (notice you haven't heard from him lately) in his place.
By the way, Elvis (encouraged by the recent revival of the 80's bands such RATT and the Rolling Stones) is currently employed as an Elvis impersonator, and is trying desperately to convince tourists, that he really is Elvis.
If you have any information to prove/disprove these theories, please contact us. America is depending on you.
