Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System) is a new Bush program that would have 1 in 24 Americans semi-officially spying on the other 23. Many Americans are concerned about their privacy and what will happen with information gleaned from TIPS informants. Last week, after almost 10 months of administration officials promising the public that information will be shared more freely between information agencies, Ashcroft said he had scrapped plans to hold all TIPS information in a centralized database. He said instead information would be passed to relevant agencies. His comments sparked confusion and befuddlement amongst the Senators.
Senator Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Utah) asked Ashcroft, "We don't want to see a 1984, Orwellian-type situation here where neighbors are reporting on neighbors, but if the information won't be in a database how will you hold it until you actually forward it to the proper agency?"
Ashcroft responded, "Well I guess it will have to be in a database briefly, but information will get deleted after it's forwarded."
"Uh-huh," countered Hatch. "And if the message never gets there and the information is deleted from the TIPS end then there is no record of the information ever being submitted which means that critical information can be lost leading to possibilities of 9/11 situations where info was missed. And further more, if all the agencies are sharing more and more information and the Department of Homeland Security lists as one of it's main goals the sharing and centralization of information, won't the information eventually all get back to a centralized database, no matter who you forward it to?"
The Attorney General was visibly disoriented by this sudden burst of operational common sense from a member of the Senate and quickly adjourned the meeting. He was whisked away to a Washington Area Borders Books and Music where he was seen buying books about Microsoft Access.
Ashcroft hastily called a press conference today to clarify most of what was said last week.
"After a long weekend of studying basic data warehousing techniques including transactional theory and complex SQL statements, I have decided that all the TIPS information that gets submitted will be kept in the head of my secretary Jane Edgerley," said Ashcroft today while a surprised Edgerley looked on from the side of the stage. "Jane has generously offered another 8 hours a day to pick up voice messages, read e-mails, and meet strangers on dimly lit corners where she will be handed scraps of paper telling her where the TIPS agent has hidden his information. All of the information she receives will be stored in her head and forwarded to the proper agency after she has my dry cleaning delivered to my apartment."
Asked if he feared for Edgerley's safety now that her name and place of business are known to every terrorist the INS has let into the country, a tired looking Ashcroft exploded, "Orin Hatch got to choose between his precious freedoms and Miss Edgerley's safety and this is what he chose. The press conference is over."
Hatch rebuked the statement, "I can assure the American public and Ms. Edgerley that I had no prior knowledge of this plan. He's a little upset that I confused him in front of everyone."
Hatch also said off the record, "He's still pissed that you guys in the press didn't recognize the genius in the acronym TIPS which he personally came up with. I guess Bush just flipped over it and Ashcroft thought the cleverness of the acronym would hide the fundamental crappiness of the program. You know, like they tried to do with Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (COPs). If it didn't work for Steve Guttenberg I don't know why he thought it would work for him."
