In what seemed to be a defiant, anti-war stance Paul and Beverly Laaden, after giving birth to a 9 pound 11 ounce boy on Wednesday, named him "Benjamin."
Peggy Linberg, RN, was attending to the couple while Mitchell was also in the room and witnessed the violent attack. "I asked the parents to name their child officially and they told me 'Benjamin,'" reports Mrs. Linberg. "Noting their last name and the common diminutive form of 'Benjamin,' I asked them if they were absolutely sure about the name. They answered in the affirmative. It was at this point that Valerie, red in the face and blood pressure way up I'm sure, walk over to the bed, popped Mrs. Laaden and kung-fu'ed Mr. Laaden in the genitals. I was stunned, but something inside said, 'Way to go, Valerie.'"
FBI officials arrived at the Calvert Memorial Hospital at approximately 12:00 noon after an alarmed Nurse Practitioner called 911 and reported the blatantly uncouth naming of the child. "I was shocked and appalled and did not understand the motivation," said Michael Hinnel, the nurse who made the call. Amid tears he continued, "I also wanted to beat the parents about the head and shoulders but my Hippocratic oath don't allow me to."
Mr. & Mrs. Laaden were locked in their hospital room and questioned by the FBI for three hours. "We just really like the name 'Benjamin,'" says Mrs. Laaden. "We never even thought about him being called 'Ben Laaden.' After a couple of hours the FBI explained this to us and we were shocked. We still really like the name, though." Mr. Laaden refused to comment and was himself admitted to the hospital for possible reproductive injuries sustained in the rational attack. The Laadens are not pressing charges against Mrs. Mitchell.
Dr. Henry Van Clave, OB-GYN was the doctor on duty when the event occurred. "This raises some serious questions about the functionality of the Hippocratic oath or at least the interpretation," says the doctor. "People like this deserve to be jacked in the jaw, and quite frankly who's to say that it is not in their best interest? I think it is time that we allow the most basic forms of extreme patriotism be covered by the oath, don't you? "
The Hippocratic oath is taken and required by most workers in the health care field. In taking the oath the worker vows to do nothing that does not promote health for the patient or will harm the patient. Mrs. Mitchell's actions seem to clearly violate her oath.
"I don't think so," states Dr. Clem Johnson, Esq., Mrs. Mitchell's medical advisor, her attorney in her case with the licensing board and her second cousin once removed. "I intend to very clearly argue that physical intervention was not only appropriate but medically sound. Anyone who would name his or her child 'Ben Laaden' can benefit a great deal from being bitch slapped. That's the crux of our case."
Overwhelming support for Mrs. Mitchell is pouring in from all over including health care officials as far away as Iraq. The head of neurosurgery for the entire country of Iraq, Dr. Amed Hallam, states in an official memo from his department, "We believe Mrs. Mitchell acted in the best interest of her patients and we equally decry such a ludicrous naming of any child. Please do not bomb us."
Medical Historian, Dr. Vincent Fry, reports to US Press that this case has overwhelming power to reinterpret or modify the age-old oath and that we may see the health-care industry evolve very quickly within the next year. Other things that may be worked into a revised oath are the ability of health care workers to openly make fun of old people and the deletion of any passages suggesting that health care workers wash their hands after using the restroom.
Mrs. Mitchell's first trial is scheduled for August 17. Mr. & Mrs. Laaden have not changed the name of their child, Benjamin.
In a related investigation, the Laaden's HMO, Health South, is looking into "how the hell two nurses ended up in the same room of a hospital at exactly the same time." Calling such an event "not only unorthodox but also highly unlikely" an unnamed Health South official stated, "I smell a denial of payment coming."
