Arti Shiesa, spokesperson for the Commonwealth, hailed the outcome as, "One giant step closer to the ideal function of state-level government." The state senate passed the legislation in a near unanimous manner. The one contrary vote was from State Senator Ricky T. Tavi (R) who said he voted against the proposal because he felt the law would give "too many people too equal of an opportunity to survive too wide a range of accidents."
Shiesa held a press conference today that celebrated the victory. Former President Bill Clinton phoned during the televised conference and congratulated the state saying, "I feel like the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, more than any other state, finally understands what I was trying to accomplish during my fruitless years in the White House."
During the press conference, Mic Farenz, a reporter from the Washington Times asked Shiesa, "Explain to me why this move is not just 'one step closer' to Big Brother?" Shiesa replied, "I don't see how this legislation or the function of this state can, at all, be compared to a television show. And besides, I don't think they wear helmets on that show, although that may be our next legislative mission. Some of those contestants obviously have soft spots on their skulls that need to be protected."
The law will not take effect until next year. Helmet regulations must be specified, helmets designed and then manufactured. Since the law contains a clause requiring all helmets to be made in Massachusetts, it is expected that over 1,000 jobs state- wide will be created by this legislation.
"The head injuries sustained in most car accidents are dangerous but trivial when compared motorcycle accidents," says Jon Mitchel, spokesperson of Bell, a major helmet manufacturer and the main lobby behind the law. "In motorcycle crashes the helmet must keep the head from being splattered like a watermelon dropped from fifty feet. In driving accidents the main concern is keeping the head from being crushed: and there is the difference; splattered or crushed. That why we have to develop a new helmet and charge a lot of money for it." Mitchel went on to explain that the helmets would not only be larger than normal bike or motorcycle helmets, but would be four to five times as expensive to produce. "I don't think you can put a price on this kind of safety."
Unfortunately for taxpayers there will be a price put on this kind of safety as taxes are expected to rise due to the new law.
"It's true that we will be saving some tax dollars due to fewer emergency services and road repair," said Shiesa, "but we have included into the law a major program to provide suitable helmets not only to our lowest income residents but also full time students and proudly, our richest corporations."
Senator Ted Kennedy (D), in an official statement praised the law as "a swift and promising move toward evolutionary excellence." Senator Orin Hatch (R) however, argued, "Evolutionary excellence would be better served by letting bad drivers die, allowing their genes to rot on the pavement and no longer be available for procreation."
"Actually, there is some truth to that," reports genetics researcher Dr. Sheila Wird, director of gene mapping at the Wilder Gene Mapping Institute, in Bethesda, MD. "My team has been working for the last year on isolating the 'bad driver' gene, and we are very close to doing just that. You can imagine we are very excited as the implications are very far reaching." Such a discovery would raise a wide scope of questions. "Quite possibly the biggest question bioengineering the 'bad driver' gene would raise is how we would deal with an entirely male population," said Wird. "On second thought, maybe we don't want to find this gene."
California is expected to vote on it's own helmet law next week. Governor Gray Davis has vowed to "up the ante" by adding a NASCAR style harness system to the California law. He is already meeting severe resistance of helmets from the Hollywood Hair Stylist Union and the addition of the harness system should bring the wrath of the Rodeo Drive Boutique Owners Coalition. Both groups are very concerned about the appearance of the nation's movie and television stars not only in regards to how the helmets and harnesses will muss their hair and clothes but also with respect to stars safely growing old.
"We can't have our stars running around all old and wrinkled," said hairstylist to the stars, Richard Marin. "And we certainly can't just force every actor to not die young in an automobile accident. Where will this industry get its heroes? From great performances? I don't think so! What's next? Helping the music industry get a handle on its heroin problem? I don't think they'd stand for that, so why should we stand for this?"
