Just days after a Los Angeles County jury awarded $28 billion to a smoker with lung cancer, a jury in Florida this week returned a $28 thousand award to long time coffee drinker Marian Owen. Two months ago, Owen filed a suit against Kraft Foods, Inc. the parent company of Maxwell House coffee alleging the coffee she had been drinking for 32 years had no label on it indicating not only that caffeine is addictive but also that her breath would stink and her teeth would be horribly discolored.
"My client has been adversly affected by her coffee drinking for years," said Jack S. Limebaugh, Owen's lawyer. "She has lost job after job and man after man because of the color of her teeth and the smell of her breath. Kraft Foods will now have to face up to what they have done to this poor woman."
Kraft representitives declined to comment on the case but sources close to the side say they are unsure how the jury reached their conclusion and vow to appeal.
"I think the Maxwell House people would have been more than happy to have donated a mirror to Ms. Owen. The yellow teeth are just the tip of the iceberg with what's wrong with that woman. Besides if it was all attributed to the coffee then she could have just quit drinking coffee," said the source.
"That is the critical point of the case," says US Press legal analyst, Richard Meover. "Mrs. Owen has argued that the addictive nature of coffee would leave
 |
| Maxwell House Monstrosity |
"This money will change my client's life," said Limebaugh. Owen will reportedly use the money for teeth whitening, mouthwash and whatever is left will go toward a gift card at Starbucks. "This case was so successful that I've recommended to my client that we file suit against the family of Sir Isaac Newtwon, the author of th Universal Law of Gravity. In that case, we will be asking for however much a top rate boob job goes for these days."
