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Wellstone's Ghost Introduces Tougher Air Safety Legislation
Some claim his new preternatural powers have gone to his head
U.S. Daniels
10/27/2002

In a special midnight session of the Senate on Saturday, The ghost of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone (D) introduced legislation aimed at toughening air safety standards for small charter aircraft. Senator Wellstone died Friday in a small plane crash just one day prior to the session.

The unorthodox session almost didn't take place due to a power outage in the Senate building late Saturday night. The electricity went out at about 11:45 PM, causing a partial evacuation of the building until all the doors and windows mysteriously locked at 11:47 PM. By midnight the back up generator still would not work, much to the chagrin of the sweaty, cursing building manager on duty. Luckily, at 11:59 PM one candle in each Senator's office lit itself and the session was held.

"We must work to strengthen charter aircraft safety," began Wellstone in an ominous tone, raising and lowering loud,
Wellstone's ghost levitates a piece of "the raw power of the universe" that he says will one day replace fossil fuels
clanky chains between phrases, creating an eery feeling in the candle lit Senate chamber. "Many people die needlessly every year because of the lack of regulation on small aircraft. Very often the pilots of these planes are people who couldn't make in the outside world, they are loose cannons, they think they can make flights in severe weather that a commercial pilot wouldn't even be allowed to attempt. I submit that charter planes should not be allowed to fly between September and March and that charter pilots be drug tested every 45 waking minutes. Some will call these measures extreme, but those who dare to do so will be haunted in their homes every night by Senators past!"

Many in the Senate agree that this may be the most brilliant move ever by the experienced Wellstone.

"He has fought for many unpopular bills, and this one would normally be very unpopular," said an Senior Senate Democrat. "But he seems to understand that he can capture both sides of the aisle with the timing and substance of this bill. The Democrats will obviously be behind him because the bill's impeccable timing [immediately following his death], and the Republicans may just vote for it too because, let's face it, this bill can only help rich people like Senators and big business fat cats who can afford chartered jets. It's too bad for us that he figured out how to play the game after he died."

But some House Republicans are balking at the bill mainly because of the haunting threat.

"I know Paul is a little fired up right now about this issue, but to threaten us with nightly haunting is going over the line," said a visibly shaken Trent Lott, Senate Minority Leader (R- Miss.). "He shouldn't be allowed to take this to our private homes and scare our families. I'm still working on convincing my 10-year-old granddaughter, that the chauffeur won't get shot by a sniper when he's pumping gas, how am I going to explain the ghost of Thaddeus Betts from 1840 haunting us about air safety, they couldn't even fly back then."

When asked if he crossed a line in Senate procedure with the haunting threat, an opaque Wellstone said he would love to comment but that he had a "fairly important meeting" for which he didn't want to be late. He waved his arm at which time a cold wind blew out the candles, the lights came on and the doors unlocked. Wellstone was last seen spiraling up the outside of the capital dome apparently in ascent to his meeting.


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