The Augusta National Golf Club this week will reverse one of it's membership rules, allowing transvestites to join the club. The club has come under fire recently from the National Council of Women's Organizations for not allowing female members to join.

Some are calling the move a step in the right direction.

"I think it's great," said Tiger Woods, one of the few brown-skinned people eligible for membership at Augusta. "It shows

Have their balls and are ready to play

that the membership board is thinking more progressively toward inclusive membership and are not trying to skirt the issue like they have so many times in the past."

Although the rule specifically notes that transgendered and homosexual applicants will not be accepted as members, it does not mention the ancient gay ritual of traditional Scottish kilt wearing. This has lead to the Scottish members assuming that they can now proudly wear their traditional kilts to the club.

"Aye, it's a proud day indeed," said Tom MacTavish, "I look forward to a refreshing day on the links the way it was intended, in a kilt. I also look forward to trying out the new ball washers that I have heard they are installing at every hole, although I hear there will be no towels for drying. Anyway, I expect my golf game to improve dramatically with cleaner, drip-dried balls."

Hootie Johnson, Augusta club chairman was surprised to hear of the Scottish issue.

"That's not what we had in mind at all. I'm sure we'll have to call an emergency session of the rules committee to sort this out. Even the trannies aren't going to be allowed to play in skirts, although they will be allowed to wear make-up."

The National Council of Women's Organizations' chairwoman Martha Burk calls the new rule another slap in the face to women.

"This is an obvious ploy to look progressive to the media. It's a step in the wrong direction if you ask me. It makes no sense to allow dresses but not allow women. It just emphasizes the fact that they don't want women. It's the membership going out of it's way to show that they want more penis and less vagina. I think it's interesting that they have this deep fascination with cock, don't you?"

"It's interesting that female golfers would imply that every member of the club is gay," replies chairman Johnson. "Especially since they have been trying to combat a similar perception about the LPGA."

Johnson went on to explain that by excluding female members the board is just trying to protect the drink cart girls from unwanted homosexual advances they would probably receive with the introduction of female golfers.

"We owe it to the parents of the co-eds who we hire to get us drunk," explained Johnson, "that they feel at least somewhat comfortable with the people making rude comments about their breasts and asking how short the greens are trimmed at the 19th hole. It's a promise that we make to the parents and they appreciate it. And the girls appreciate it too. I have interviewed each drink cart girl and waitress extensively on their sexuality in the privacy of my office. We go over in detail what makes them comfortable and uncomfortable, what they like to joke about with the members and what they don't and whether they have ever fantasized about the other drink cart girls. What I go through with each girl is exhausting, but necessary." Johnson then had to excuse himself to let a leather cleaning service into his office because "someone spilled a milkshake" on his leather couch.

"It just goes to show you that their philosophy hasn't changed," summarizes Burk about the whole hole issue, "They still think you can't have membership without a member."