As I was driving home from work today I saw a little sticker on the SUV in front of me. At a red light, I pulled up close to read it. In block letters it said,

Abuse An Animal, Go To Jail

Now I know, I'm getting old. I think the last bumper sticker I had was a Nine Inch Nails sticker from the "I Got Kicked In The Head So Hard My Knees Buckled Tour, '93". I can't remember the real name of the tour, my memory hasn't really been the same since. Ah, youth. I digress. The point is, it's been a few years since I felt strongly enough about something to put a sticker on my car proclaiming my feelings about it, much less just randomly quoting punishments for breaking a law.

So, I took to wondering, is there any law I feel strongly enough about to put a sticker on my car reminding people that there is a punishment for breaking it? It seems a little unnecessary to me. I'll give you an example. I don't like people who rape women. It's one of those qualities I just can't stand in a fella. Should I have stickers made that say,

Rape: Mean AND Illegal

That would seem out of place, right? How about this one?

Cheat On Your Taxes And You May Have To Pay Back 10 Cents To The Dollar

I could sell them at Willie Nelson concerts. Probably a little too boring for a bumper sticker. I could liven it up,

Real Men Cheat On Their Wives, Not Their Taxes

That doesn't seem just right either because I'm sure it's illegal to cheat on your wife in some states, so that one kind of defeats the purpose. But the tax thing brings up another issue. What if this animal lover in the forest-killing SUV was trying to educate people who might not know that it's against the law to abuse animals. Maybe there is a huge number of people who don't know any better than to beat dogs for fun. Granted, people who abuse animals for fun may not be best served by the written word, but go with me for a minute, we could be talking about a whole new kind of information exchange here. Think about taxes again. I know that I for one could use a few bumper stickers during tax season to remind me of stuff I should know, such as,

If You Don't File For Extension On Form 123a, Then You Are In Violation Of Tax Code, 2002-18576b, Punishable By $100 Dollar Fine

That makes more sense to me. Just because I know not to torture animals doesn't mean I know everything, does it? I could very well be using tax form 122a thereby subjecting myself to ridicule and embarrassment. Were it not for that good soul's bumper sticker, I'd be $100 poorer and doing more paperwork than necessary.

So, maybe that's all the person was doing, educating. Which for some reason reminds me of my favorite bumper sticker that I've seen lately,

Don't Worry, It'll Only Seem Kinky The First Time

Now that's a message I can feel strongly enough about to plaster on my car. Even better, it has a certain level of educational value that you can't really get outside of a restroom stall.

So, next time you are going out bumper sticker shopping, think about whether you are educating those unlucky enough to be behind you in traffic. And please, don't abuse animals, eat them.