In what media critics hail as "a bold new step into an ever-brightening future", CNN unveiled its latest innovation, a brand-new font style for its Terror Alert Bug. While the colors will remain the same for the Terror Alert Status indicator, or "Bug" as it is known in TV News lingo, viewers will now be able to see the labels for each color in a dazzling new letter style, or "font".

"This is a proud day for CNN, and all of the properties in the AOL-Time Warner Empire," said Don Watling, CNN's Assistant

CNN employees marvel not at the miniature battery satellite TV's given away at this year's holiday party, but at how good the new font looks on it

Vice-President for On-Air Graphic Affairs, asking that we please capitalize the word 'empire.' "No longer will American viewers be forced to tune into CNN wondering, 'Is this Terror Alert font style appropriate?' We, as a multi-department committee, think they can now rest assured that it is."

Watling was reticent in revealing the actual name for the font, in the interest of National Security, however, highly placed sources within the CNN administration say that the new lettering style is being called Helvetica Sans Serif II.

"This is an amazing and unprecedented improvement over the

A sample of a similar font, you get the idea

old, worn out Helvetica Sans Serif I," one exuberant source was quoted as saying, under condition of exuberant anonymity, "By God, this time we've got MSNBC dead to rights! I'd like to see 'em beat this! Hey, that thing's not recording, is it?"

A "bug" is a small element that is electronically placed in a small portion of a TV image: large enough to convey information to a viewer, but not so big as to distract attention from larger, more important information about self-involved movie stars and felonious professional athletes. Originally intended to merely "stamp" a TV channel's logo on copyrighted images, bugs developed into much-needed tools to help viewers at home absorb even more important information.

"We wanted to help those viewers who found spoken and printed news to be confusing and unwieldy," said Watling. "Now, we've done that."

CNN briefly toyed with a Helvetica Sans Serif II font during 1991's Gulf War, but abandoned the idea, feeling that Americans were not yet ready for a new type of lettering in their TV news. Rather than pawn off the bold new letter style on one of CNN's lesser shows such as Earth Matters, or TalkBack Live, Senior Assistant Executives at CNN decided to "sit on the technology", in hopes that Americans might someday be smart and/or clever enough to handle a vibrant new way of writing things on the television.