The vehicles in question, mini-vans ranging from the late 1980's to the current model year, all seem to have a common, yet undiagnosable problem with the accelerator and the steering wheel. On many of the models, the steering column is faulty and tends to gravitate the vehicle towards the far left lane. Normally, this would only call for a minor service recall, but coupled with the faulty accelerator's tendency to keep you driving 5-10 MPH under the speed limit, it can result in a dangerous situation.
Drivers all over the world have been complaining about being stuck behind the vehicles, as they refuse to merge back into the right lane. The faulty vehicles have been blamed for many pileups and interstate tragedies. They are usually seen driving
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| If your minivan looks like this, it may have been an affected model. |
"It's like the car has a mind of it's own," says Marge Harper, a mother of 5 and a minivan owner from suburban Phoenix. "I get out on that interstate, and it just heads directly for the passing lane. Funny thing is, once I get there, it slows down, activates the left turn signal, locks all the doors and then turns up the radio. I try and try to merge back into the slower lanes, but the steering wheel just wont budge. I think it's possessed, myself. Or maybe it's just my darn hormones again."
Ford executive Mark Brady argues, "I think the real problem is the same issue we had with those tires coming apart on the SUV's. It wasn't our fault at all. The people driving them were all complete idiots. I mean, come on, with the tires, you just can't do 95 while talking on your cell phone and doing your makeup. Something is going to go wrong. Sure we tried to publicly blame it on the Mexican tire factory because you can't very well insult your customers and come off looking friendly. This minivan problem is the same thing, except spanking your kids and going too slow while looking at anything but the road. So this time we're forced to blame the parts makers."
An independent auto parts manufacturer has developed a kit that will be installed free of charge to the consumer, into all of the faulty vehicles. Rob Krantz, of Independent Adrenaline Automotives describes, "We've designed a product that's an easy add-on to any minivan. First, we put a block of wood on the accelerator pedal, so it feels like you're barely pushing it at all, when in fact your giving it all she's got. In addition, we calibrate the speedometer to read 20 MPH slower than your actually speed. We also improperly align the car to constantly pull to the right. Then we disable the turn signals, which is not as dangerous as it sounds because only three percent of the drivers ever used them properly anyway. And finally, in case all else fails, we hide a spray nozzle above the driver's sun visor, which is tied to a computer that monitors the driving conditions of the vehicle. When it determines the vehicle is still exhibiting the faulty behavior, it releases a fine mist of liquid cocaine into the compartment of the vehicle. This seems to correct the problems."
If you own or drive one of these vehicles, you are urged (not to mention required by most state laws) to take it in to be serviced. For more information, please visit the following website sponsored by the big three American automakers: www.OhGodWhyDidWeCreateTheMinivan.com
