At the behest of the entire Northeastern seaboard, which has been in deep freeze since mid-August, Virginia prosecutors have agreed to a temporary release of sniper suspect Lee Malvo. The reason for the release, to "take care of" Punxatawney Phil therefore insuring an early end to winter, was leaked to media today by a source from inside the super secret government agency NOAA, a.k.a., the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

Punxatawney Phil, the official weather affecting marmot from Punxatawney Pennsylvania, is dragged out of his lair annually on February 2nd to bestow upon North America the winter/spring conversion schedule for the current year. If Phil returns to his hole six more weeks of winter are expected, if he does not, then the end is near. Unfortunately, the end is near for

"Dear Mr. Groundhog, I am God. You think you are God because you can change the weather, but there can only be one God, the one with the rifle."

Phil because NOAA has decided to take steps to prevent Phil from extending this dreadfully cold winter.

In what is being dubbed "Operation: Summerize", Malvo will be equipped with a Bushmaster rifle similar to the one he and that other asshole terrorized a whole city with last fall.

"Malvo will be released from prison into the trunk of a car predestined for Punxatawney," said the unnamed source. "On arrival he will be given a Bushmaster .223 caliber rifle and one shell. His mission is simple, prevent the groundhog from retreating to the hole." In return Malvo will get 2 more hours per week playing Soldier of Fortune Gold Edition on the Playstation 2 in the prison's recreation room.

"We thought about using covert ways of doing the job, like mixing bird seed and antifreeze and sneaking it to the animal, but we were worried about a backlash from the local media," said the source. "They don't do this during February sweeps for no reason you know."

"We appreciate that they are trying to do it in a way that would be good for the media," says Punxatawney weather girl Jane Broadening. "It would be a great opportunity for the weathercasters who come out here to be able to cover a story like that. I'm sure many of us would even be hired at network affiliates in big cities like Altoona and Harrisburg, but it's not right and as a protest our station will probably not to cover the event. But a job in Altoona would be nice."

Bill Murray was not available for comment.