God will reveal his Divine Plan for Humanity on Thursday, and many observers are certain that, whatever His key points are, they themselves will not need to fundamentally change anything.

Priests and pundits through the centuries have wrestled over the exact course and nature of God's Divine Plan, but the Almighty has done a good job of playing His cards close to the vest. Political consultant Ralph Reed agrees, "Let's be honest, societies have made some terrible mistakes by misinterpreting His Divine Guidance, USSR, I'm looking at you, but you have to admit that, had they known of the Plan, things might've gone differently. The way I see it, He's better off letting us in on the whole shebang, that way we can work with the Plan, or at least not work directly against it."

"We will finally know, definitively, what He wants us to do,"

Experts suggest that since there is a small chance you will meet God on Thursday, you should avoid shag carpeting for the day.

said an exuberant Pat Robertson. "I've seen an early draft of some pages of the Plan, and while I am not at liberty to comment on specific points, I think we'll all be somewhat surprised."

In response to Monday's announcement that the Plan will be revealed Thursday at 1:30 PM EST, there has been rampant speculation both in major media and on the street as to how His Plan will affect each of us individually.

"I think Thursday's events will fully vindicate everything I've ever written about anything," said a glowing George Will. "I just hope He wants me to write another book about baseball."

"I'm glad to have lived to see this day. Now I'll know exactly how my lifetime of disappointment has served a greater agenda," said a homeless person who preferred to remain anonymous, "just in case Thursday ain't the real deal."

Timmy Hopkins, a bright-eyed 9 year-old from Annapolis, MD is also hopeful, "I want a puppy with lil splotches, and another book on baseball by George Will."

Godless Democrats, however, already seem unsure of the effectiveness of the Plan. Senate Minority leader Tom Daschle was outspoken, "The Plan we're going to see will be the same as the plan I saw in committee, long on talk, short on action, and loaded with a bunch of right-wing appropriations that amount to nothing more than political paybacks for big business and pork."

This unfortunate remark caused Jewish observers to take umbrage. "Is the Senator implying that God is now endorsing pork? I take exception to that," said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. Added an unusually candid Fleischer, "I wish that guy would just shut up for once."

One thing is certain; Thursday's release will resolve all crises and questions concerning the direction of Humanity. "He's God, isn't He?" an indignant Jerry Falwell was heard to have said, "I am certain that He will have a Plan that will shower His grace upon all His Believers, and dole out the much needed Wrathful Judgment upon those who reject Him, especially the Gay-Islamo-Homo-Teletubbie-Narco-Commie Liberals who have hijacked our Society."