Daredevil. Well, I think it's about time that Hollywood produced another piece of work, including the appropriate marketing hype this time, to tell the story of Robert Craig "Evel" Knievel.

For those of you too young to remember, or too cool to care, Evel Knievel was a daredevil who was very popular in the 1970's and is probably best remembered for his failed attempt

Can Ben Affleck portray this man? I doubt it. I was thinking Sean Penn, but he doesn't have that whole America thing going on right now. We'll have to move to my second choice, Albert Brooks.

to jump Snake River Canyon in a rocket powered something or other. This was a departure from his main tool for daredevilism, the motorcycle. But hey, sometimes you just have to strap rockets onto things.

Evel spent his best years teaching us valuable lessons and portraying our nation in a way that modern sports-a-tainment figures can't seem to master. These new sports-a-tainment heroes we have today, like pro wrestlers, gladiator show juiceheads, and professional basketball players lack many of the features that prove that our country is great. Mostly I'm talking about body hair. But it doesn't stop there.

Evel taught mostly by example. He epitomized the American spirit that says if you see an obstacle, you can defeat it. All it takes is less thinking, more doing and an internal combustion engine. If it beats you once, try again. If it beats you twice, move on to something else then come back to it when the money is right.

Evel also taught us about health. When he'd fail to break a world record, he'd invariably break something else, bones. As a kid you'd say, "I didn't even know there was a bone there. Huh, how about that? That holds my shoulder on." Ten years later, Evel will have helped you win a game of Trivial Pursuit because he taught you that the collarbone is really called a clavicle.

Evel showed the world that the United States is strong because we have put so much emphasis on physical health that we have an unending supply of doctors that can coax you back from the brink of death. He also showed that we put so little emphasis on mental health that those same doctors will allow you take yourself to the brink of death over and over again. It's one way we have won respect around the globe, by being crazy and strong. It's what got those hostages released from Tehran in '81, ask Ronald Reagan. On second thought, ask Nancy.

Anyway, back to the movie. It should be great. Action packed, drama filled, and the kind of stunts that remind you that Johnny Knoxville is a little pussy. However, I heard people the other day complaining about the casting and I think they are right. I don't understand how Ben Affleck is going to capture this role. He doesn't seem like the thrill seeking kind of guy who can embody the greatest daredevil this country has ever known. Who knows, maybe he can pull it off. I guess I did see him driving a car in a J. Lo video last month. That's sort of dangerous. I heard that the camera truck on those video shoots can tow cars at up to 35 MPH! Daredevil indeed.

As for the rest of the cast, I've never heard of any of them. I did hear that some of them have been in other movies though, so that's comforting.

I don't really know the storyline of the movie, but I know a little about Evel's life, so I imagine the dialog to go something like this:

Evel's Woman of the Moment [tearful pleading]
Please don't jump those 17 school buses full of children, Evel. I don't think you can make it.

Evel [irate]
What do you mean I can't make that jump? Of course I can make that jump, this is an American engine. Hear it growling? It's telling me I can make it and I believe it. Not like that lying Mexican toaster that swore up and down that it wouldn't burn my toast this morning. I don't know why I ever believed it in the first place, shiftless goddamn appliance.

Evel's Woman of the Moment [fearful pleading]
Evel, you're scaring me.

Evel [rhetorical yet irate]
Yeah well I was scared too. It's scary to trust your last two slices of pumpernickel to a talking toaster, especially after the bagel incident last week. Pumpernickel is so dark, it's hard to catch it before it burns. Only the toaster can know when it's ready, the human eye can't do it. You find yourself in a postion that you have to trust the talking toaster and damnit, that's a frightening proposition, to be lonely and dependent at the same time, right in the middle of your own damn kitchen. You know what I mean?

Evel's Woman of the Moment [playing her last card]
More than you know, Evel. (Pauses) If you go, I won't be here when you get back.

Evel [irate]
You do what you got to do, baby. But be aware that I know exactly how many beers are in that fridge downstairs and if there are any missing, I'm coming after you.

There will probably be 4 or 5 scenes exactly like this throughout the movie unless the director focuses on one particular relationship, which means they will show this scene, with different women and talking appliances, 4 or 5 times in a row at the beginning to establish a pattern.

If you end up going to see Daredevil, the patriotic feel-good movie of mid-February, take your crash helmet and a wad of cash and have a smashing good time!