"What we are deducing from our work with the CIA is that Al Qaeda has perfected cloud seeding," stated Jim Cantalopae, of The Weather Channel. "It's a very sophisticated procedure that involves flying crop dusters at high altitudes and releasing the perfect mix of hydrogen and dust-like particles into the atmosphere. What we don't know yet, is whether there was any Anthrax mixed in the dispersal. We should know in another day or so. If you exhibit any symptoms, please contact The Weather Channel at once. Then perhaps call your mom or doctor or something."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld confirmed the attack.
"What we have here is a deliberate attempt to cause harm to our economy and to our society by creating what appear to the untrained eye to be natural weather events. This is something we knew they were working on, something we knew they would try to use and we know who supplied them with the technology. It's time for the UN and old Europe to see that we are in a state of emergency and will be until late April," said Rumsfeld in his characteristic talk now, think later style. His briefing continued and continued, "We know that while our cities are at a standstill Al-Qaeda operatives are surveilling and planning for future attacks by learning our all important snowplow routes. We also have good information that some of this snow, a lot of it, is being bottled and shipped back to the arid Middle East. We cannot just sit around and allow ourselves to become a water farm for Saddam and his cronies."
Several Al Qaeda leaders have taken credit for the unrelenting snowfall. Al-Jazeera TV played another audiotape of an Al Qaeda leader today responding to the Pentagon's accusation. "Uh, yeah, that's right. Beware our cloud seeding proficiency! We have crippled America, and sent the icy chill of Jihad through their veins," stated Osomeone BinInjured, on Al -Jazeera TV.
Rumors abound about heightened attack levels for the Midwest later this month and a special warning will go out for the states to the south and east of the Great Lakes.
"We can expect heavy snowfall in these regions sometime before summer, due to cloud seeding by terrorist organizations", stated The Weather Channel's Christina Aftermathy, in a recent 20 After Forecast.
All in all, the Bush Administration is blaming Al Qaeda for over $20 million in snow clean-up, and another $30 million in lost Congressional wages including Congressional prostitution fees. "I'm sure the common people lost some money too", stated Bush from the snowed-in White House. "You see in Texas, we don't have to deal with this kind of crap," the President slipped, in front of reporters. "But thanks to Al Qaeda and that Saddam fellow you people keep protesting to protect, we've got a real winter weather issue on our hands. Maybe now the American people will realize we need to take this guy out."
The Arab states, along with France and Germany call the U.S. allegations preposterous. French President Jacques Chirac was quoted as saying, "Those selfish Americans, they just... well, you know... they just... oh never mind." He then slipped back into his La-Z-Boy chair, unbuttoned his Levi's, drank a Budweiser and smoked a Marlboro.
The UN is expected to call an emergency meeting later this week to sit around and talk about the issue until next winter. Iceland and Russia have already raised concerns that they too have been victims. Anyone who may have seen or would like to say they saw crop dusters flying over the Northeast this week is urged to call the Terrorist Hotline at 1-800-BIN-LOST.
