A report released today by the Bethesda Naval Hospital shows that the Government has reached a new pinnacle: Not only is the nation's leadership, or "head" planted squarely up its ass, but medical doctors that keep tabs on the nation's health say that never in the history of the U.S. of A. has the head been so very far up its posterior.

This revelation comes in the wake of "President" Bush's new stimulus package, one that panders to rich stockholders

Researchers at the Bethesda Naval Hospital created this educational material in mid 1980's. It was widely misunderstood by the public and when re-discovered in the late 90's quickly became an over-forwarded email joke.

and virtually ignores the needs of America's unemployed. While the "President" claims that eliminating dividends taxes will spur more investment in the ailing economy, pundits point out that similar measures during the Reagan administration had little effect on the economy.

Still other pundits point out that the new set of measures is a handout to the "President's" key constituents, rich white men. Specifically, rich white men who hold a lot of stock and don't mind if democracy is subverted by an illegal government so long as that government keeps their bank accounts fat, which the new reforms are almost certain to do.

Whether they pander to the rich, rob from future generations or bankrupt democracy, most experts agree that the administration really has no plan for a return to prosperity. In turn doctors report the astounding gains in moving the head as far up its ass as any can remember.

"When the Carter administration lashed out against the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan while simultaneously initiating a covert war against the democratically elected government in Nicaragua, we thought that we'd hit a high Head-Up-Ass mark," says Proctologist-General Dr. Stephen Vickins. "Of course, we were wrong. The Reagan-Bush I years took us to unprecedented depths."

When Reagan was hospitalized following an assassination attempt in 1980, it was discovered just how far the head had gone up its own ass. "X-rays revealed that he was in way up past the Adam's Apple," tells Vickins.

Doctors kept an eye on the situation and hoped that the situation was not terminal. Then during the early days of the Clinton Administration they even witnessed a partial withdrawal of the head from the ass.

"When Clinton took office and began talking about healthcare for all Americans, the trend was actually reversed," remembers Vickins. "On the best day we had two-thirds of the neck out, and we were beginning to prepare for work on the chin. The chin is the traditional stopping point for natural head extraction. Once to the chin it takes pretty serious external factors to get the head out completely."

Doctors' hopes were dashed, however, when Clinton continued bombing Iraq, the Sudan, Kosovo and other third-world backwaters, while domestically he abandoned the healthcare plan and then went so far as to eliminate the social safety net of Federal Welfare programs. Erasure of SEC accounting regulations and further tax cuts for the rich only emphasized the "power of the chin."

"By the time of the Lewinsky-Jones scandals, we'd long said goodbye to the shoulders," says Vickins.

With the ascension of Bush II, or "Dubya", doctors stopped reporting the condition in terms of what is still visible in favor of reporting just how far the head was moving up into the nation's body cavity. The movement upward is now being considered "progress". In the latest figures released by the government, doctors proudly report that the head might reach the small intestine by Christmas 2003.

"Before Dubya, having your head up your ass was considered a negative image," says Dr. Vickins, "nowadays, however, it's referred to as 'Patriotism', and everyone wants in on the act."