"I don't know what the hell is wrong with that guy," starts Grubb who delivers pizza on the weekends as second job to help his ailing parents pay for their prescription drugs. "From the second he opened the door, he was calmly assaulting me verbally."
"First he starts in with 'How much do I owe you, because I can't really see how you've helped us out very much in recent years'. Recent years? I just started this job three months ago!"
Grubb's dress was the Secretary's next target. "Then he furrowed his brow and starts kind of talking down to me. He goes, 'You know, this notion that a pizza guy has to wear a mesh backed cap, that he has to wear an ugly smockish shirt is an old way of thinking. As we move forward we are going to have to look at, going to have to re-think these kinds of concerns.' By then I was completely confused, and a little uncomfortable," says Grubb.
The 24-year-old plumber's assistant didn't start to get really offended until Rumsfeld slighted his character and work ethic.
Rumsfeld allegedly said, "We have been monitoring the pizza delivery situation in this area and what we see is a troubling trend toward Domino's hiring what appear to be quote-unquote slackers, like yourself. We are aware that Pappa John's and Ledo's Pizza are working hard, at our request, to put more stringent hiring practices in place, but we don't see Domino's following suit."
Grubb says Rumsfeld then took the Pizza but refused to pay, or tip. "He took the pizza and the free bread sticks and said it would be considered a step in the right direction but by no means a full endorsement that all the conditions have been met."
"At this point I just wanted out of there, I was getting really freaked out."
Grubb says Secretary of State Colin Powell came to the door to shoo Rumsfeld away.
"He told Rumsfeld to go get the table ready. When he was gone he gave me a suitcase with $1 billion in it," with the condition that the money be used for humanitarian aid. "But then he gave me a little wink and said that they also understand that sometimes arms need to be purchased to secure the safety of the humanitarian effort."
Powell then tried to comfort Grubb who was visibly shaken by the whole experience. "He also told me not to worry about 'old Rummy' and that everything was going to be all right. As far as they are concerned I am their go-to pizza delivery guy."
Grubb astutely sums up the odd exchange: "If I didn't know any better, I'd swear those two assholes were trying to 'good cop, bad cop' me. Who exactly do they think that works on anymore?"
