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US Troops Mistakenly Kill Johnny Cash, John Ritter
Or so a quickly read news ticker seems to say
U.S. Daniels
09/16/2003

According to local newspaper editor Pete Tellington, US soldiers in Iraq mistakenly shot and killed Johnny Cash and John Ritter on "Thursday or Friday" of last week.

Sources close to Tellington, 42, worry that he may no longer be taking his $28,000 job as editor of the Waunakee Advocate as seriously as he once did.

"I heard him disseminate this false information at least three times on
Ritter in his final days in the Iraqi desert.
Friday morning," says Advocate reporter Jill Valmer, 23. "He's my boss, so I didn't want to correct him in front of people, but this is really embarrassing, he just doesn't seem to care about the news at all anymore."

Another unnamed office source says he overheard Tellington on the phone telling a friend about the "tragedy." Tellington allegedly told the friend, "I guess Cash and Ritter were in Iraq entertaining the troops or something and they ended up in a high speed chase and were shot down. That's sounds just like Cash, doesn't it? Man, I gotta get out of this place and start writing songs again."

Others in the office also claim that Tellington has been talking a lot lately about "moving on."

"He's been at the paper for 3 years," says Advocate business manager Joyce Jacoby, "and I remember looking at his resume when he was hired and noticing that the longest career he's had was his 6-year stint in the Navy. Since then he's been changing professions every 3 to 4 years."

Tellington's family fills in some details about his career changes.

"He's just never been able to focus on anything for too long," says long time brother Phil. "He'll get 3 or 4 years into an industry or job and just become disgusted with 'how things work around here' he'll usually say. Personally, I think he just gets bored."

In the 20 years since "being asked to leave" the Navy, Tellington has worked as a car salesman, late night disc jockey, short order cook, plumber's assistant, forklift operator, insurance adjuster, long order cook, and high priced escort.

For the record, only John Ritter was killed in Iraq.


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