In a report released late this afternoon, my uncle Daniel announced that the upcoming geomagnetic event created by a massive solar flare "will consume the Earth, thusly consuming all that inhabit it."

The impending event, dubbed "The great coming of the biblical cleansing promised by the Lord all those hundreds of years ago" by Uncle Daniel (and his sister Ellen) promises to create static and, in some cases,

What the International Space Station will look like should it crash to Earth tonight, according to Aunt Ellen. Ironically this is also her visions of Hell and the perfect flame for cooking out at NASCAR events.

complete interference in communications and logistics equipment the world over. It is believed that the category 5 event may also impact satellites and possibly the International Space Station.

"That gawddamn thang is gonna come crashin' down to the land like a million pound cinderblock," Ellen predicted of the orbiting platform, "And when it does, yew can be shore that it will be all black and sheeit, like a gawddamn charcoal… what's that thing called, brickitt? Anyways, one of them charcoal things."

Daniel added that "Even though them gawddamn sneaky Republicans deserve it for stealing my Social Security and giving it to NASA, there won't be much Earth left for that space thing to crash down to," thus confirming that he not only hates the government, but also makes no sense whatsoever.

"They said on the evenin' news that you could prolly see them Northern Lights as far south as Atlanta," Ellen added, "But them damn Yankees can keep their gawddamn lights - We don't need them fancy glow lights no how."

The massive solar flare is expected to reach the Earth sometime Wednesday afternoon or evening, give or take a few hours. Officials have warned that the potential for dropped calls on cell phones, lost signals on GPS units and a slight tingling sensation as your skin ignites, consuming your body in the fires of celestial burning, is "Moderate to high".