Boston based Gillette, Co. announced better than expected third quarter earnings with razor and blade sales jumping 17% and Duracell battery sales up with an 8% industry-wide surge. Publicly, Gillette is thanking the North East blackout and Hurricane Isabel for a one-time gain in battery sales and favorable currency exchange rates for a favorable currency exchange but some industry analysts are suggesting that something more insidious is happening.

"Think about it," tells an industry insider speaking on terms of anonymity, "Why is it that while the 2000 census numbers are telling us that the number of men with beards is up 13.5% nationally that Gillette is selling 17% more razors and blades? If men aren't shaving their beards and razor sales are up, who's shaving what?"

The analyst suggested the answer could be found at a local strip club.

"Yeah, sure you can find the answer here," says Rocco G, part owner and operator of Club Smooth in Boston's south side. "What kind of men hang out at strip clubs? Young, insecure, balding men almost exclusively. And are young balding men growing what hair they have out and doing the wrap around? No way, that's style is out, now they shave their heads before it all goes. That's your answer, bub. Now tip a dancer or get lost."

After multiple tippings of a dancer named Miranda, her lips got a little loose. "Listen, you can't tell Rocco I told you this," she slurred on the way to the Champagne Room, "But Gillette

One more razor use being slowly pushed on the American people, kitty shaving.

OWNS Club Smooth. All the girls who shave are paid twice as much as the unclean, unhealthy ones. They even make us tell guys to buy Gillette for their ladies which really, like, makes them tip less, you know, when you mention their wife."

Miranda isn't the only one alleging that Gillette is trying to change the private grooming habits of America. Many film pornographers privately say that Gillette and Schick both finance adult films, but only films with "clean" girls and guys in them.

"'Clean' is the industry code for shaved," says a smut peddler who is too ashamed of the illicit kickbacks from the razor companies to allow his name to be used. "They only want "clean" porn movies to be filmed and shown so that women will want to imitate that look."

In fact, says the purveyor of hairless filth, one should look no further than the adult toy industry to see why battery sales are continuing to rise even as more and more electronic manufacturers are employing rechargeable batteries in their devices.

Even mainstream media is suspect. Some say that it doesn't take a genius to figure out that there is a reason women's magazines are telling women to get married later in life.

"The battery companies are bribing editors to write that stuff," says perpetual advice giver, Dr. Phil [last name withheld]. "They don't think it will make for better marriages, they think it will sell more batteries in the long run, plain and simple."

Further investigation reveals that Gillette has considered very brazen tactics in its war against pubic hair. Obtained company documents and e-mails indicate the company has started filming "educational" movies for high school health classes with such titles as, "Keeping it Clean", "There's Something About Mary...That Doesn't Stink" and even "Shave Away STD's".

Gillette had no comment to this article other than to call it "preposterous, we fund hairless cycling and swimming teams only."