In fulfillment of a campaign promise, Governor Schwarzenegger has pledged to co-operate fully with an investigation into allegations that he has engaged in a long-term pattern of criminal sexual abuse against women. Furthermore, in a refreshing display of selfless civic mindedness, Schwarzenegger himself will personally hire and pay the crack team of private investigators that will look into the mounting evidence of criminal activity on his part.

"There is no need to tie up the Califauneeah (California) legal system at the taxpayers' expense over this affair," says the new Governor. "I wish to

"I do solemnly swear that there is a lot more where this came from."

relieve both the taxpayers and the Califauneeah Attorney General of the expense and burdensome responsibility that an investigation into charges as serious as these will demand. And also to spare them the embarrassment of intense public scrutiny."

The magnanimous actor-cum-politician continued, "It's no secret that I am a very, very wealthy man and can afford to purchase justice out of my own pocket...and am happy to do it!"

While some wags have suggested that there is an inherent conflict of interests in this arrangement, Schwarzenegger responds, "Believe me, no one wants to know more than I do if any of these allegations can be proven to be true! I swear that me and my team will personally track down each and every woman who comes forward with allegations against me until every bit of evidence is thoroughly exhausted."

President Bush himself has lauded Schwarzenegger's efforts and has labeled them a "...wonderful example of the kind of can-do privatization the Republican Party hopes to inaugurate throughout America." The President also vowed to personally help his new Republican ally by offering up the services of the same team of Presidentially appointed Justice Department investigators now looking into alleged White House involvement in the leaking of classified CIA information for partisan political gain.

Schwarzenegger expresses hope that his investigation of himself will prove his innocence. Says Schwarzenegger, "I will be totally disgusted with myself should I allow these charges to prove true."

In a related news, Scott Peterson, also of California, has released himself from jail and has started to put together his own team to investigate what role, if any, he may or may not have played in the brutal murder and dismemberment of his wife and unborn son last year.

Kobe Bryant too, has decided that his trial is completely unneccesary and that his considerable wealth should afford him the same luxury of self investigation. Unfortunately for the basketball star, whose trial and eventual conviction will be held in Colorado, there is only precedent for this kind of "walk away" justice in California, Washington D.C., and Massachusetts.

Charles Manson, currently imprisoned in California and weighing his options, issued the following statement: "Purple-Monkey dish washer!"