Jesus Christ appeared this morning with tidings of great joy, to a crowd of shoppers who were waiting in the parking lot for the opening of Wal-Mart. What might have been a wonderful, unprecedented miracle of happiness

Good vs. Evil?

and celebration ended tragically when the front doors to the store were opened and the famed Savior of the world was trampled in the mad rush to obtain a hard-to-find set of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

"I heard on the radio yesterday that this Wal-Mart was one of the last places in the state that still had this set of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards left in stock," said shopper Shandra Locke, 35, as she held up the prized pack she had just bought. As she wiped the blood of Christ off of her Italian leather shoes she almost showed remorse concerning the incident.

"I'm awfully sorry about steamrolling Jesus, but little Jordan is just going to LOVE this present."

Witnesses say Jesus appeared before the astonished crowd and began to say something about wishing everyone joy, hope and love. But before he could finish his profound message Jack Hogan, the store manager, apparently unaware of the appearance of the Lord, unlocked and opened the front door to the store.

"At first we were all like, 'Oh my God! It's Jesus'." reports shopper Mitch Llewelyn. "The woman next to me said, 'He so beautiful!' Then the doors opened. We all paused for a minute, but, well, he didn't get out of the way."

Store Manager Hogan would not answer any questions instead pointing reporters in the direction of Wal-Mart's national public relations office.

Wal-Mart issued a written statement later in the day which said in part, "We hope the Christian buying public understands that it is not our policy to disrupt messages of the Lord. Also, our employees and shoppers are strongly urged not to mame or disfigure the incarnate Christ in any way. That's a rule that is already stressed in New Employee Training and we will continue to train our people that way."

The statement continues, "We think as a company we go a long way to 'Do as Jesus Would' and not stock media items that contain explicit or controversial words or images. We have even gone as far as to surround ourselves with the sick and needy as Jesus would have. But since the government thinks those people should have green cards, it's a practice we've had to discontinue."

The Messiah was unavailable for comment, but witnesses say he miraculously seemed to sustain only cuts and bruises. He apparently stood up bloodied and confused after being trampled and then simply disappeared.

Editor's Note:
Well the holiday season is upon us and a friend of the site, Aleks, has allowed us to reprint a card he drew up for the folks at Zfilter.com that proudly proclaims "Happy Chrisramananakah". So here's wishing you and yours a Happy Chrisramananakah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, Happy Solstice and whatever I've forgotten. The picture below links to a larger version at Aleks' site