"As far as we can tell," says Attorney General John Ashcroft in a joint Justice and Defense Departments morning press conference, "Al-Qaeda operatives all over the country have poisoned countless victims' drinks during celebrations last night. We are concerned at the scope of this attack as it seems to indicate that the terrorist network is much more ingrained in our society than we had previously thought."
"We were lucky that this wasn't more serious," added Donald Rumsfeld. "The sheer numbers of the poisoned versus the relatively few deaths incurred has really served as a wake up call for this country to be careful what you drink especially in a public space with a lot of brown people milling around. Of course, we don't want to encourage racial profiling, but obviously it wasn't the pretty blonde college student behind the bar that poisoned your drink causing you to vomit in the alley."
"I tried to tell my parents," said 18-year-old Kylee Harris of Lincoln, Nebraska, "I don't know how I ended up half naked in the field behind the house. All I had at that party last night was some Diet Coca-Cola. At least I think it was diet, 'cause it tasted funny. Anyway, now that those government guys said it was a terrorist attack, I feel much better. I wouldn't feel comfortable if i thought that one of the party goers that I knew took my bra."
Ashcroft is suggesting that all US citizens cease from patronizing bars and restaurants to minimize the threat of bio terrorism. He also suggested refraining from dancing, card playing and swearing to avoid the constant and eternal burning sensation that accompany those activities.
"Better safe than sorry," the Attorney General summed up.
