I don't know about you, but I've been in the condition Joe Namath was in last month when he, in front of a national TV audience, sloppily told ESPN

Vinnie Barbarino?

reporter Suzy Kolber twice that he'd like to kiss her. I mean, not often (or not often enough depending on how you look at it) but I can take comfort in knowing that I've been buzzed just like one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.

I can excuse occasional drunkenness, I'm no prude. I would like to think that someone at ESPN, perhaps even Kolber herself, would have noticed that Namath was slurringly intoxicated BEFORE they put him in front of a camera, but with Namath's sober speech patterns being fairly cryptic, I suppose I can let that slip also. And darn it all to heck, I can excuse Joe Namath for treating that poor woman in an semi-inappropriate manner. Certainly unprofessional, and borderline inappropriate but in my eyes totally excusable. This has more to do with my attraction to Suzy Kolber than to my tolerance of inappropriate behavior.

If I was half lit and so was the room, I'd probably tell Suzy Kolber the same thing (assuming of course that Aunt Sharky had already left me for my constant drunkenness). Ever since I saw her host an X-Games in the mid-90's I've thought of her as the hottest sports interviewer available on today's market. Now, I know, there are some very pretty women doing sideline interviews these days, with their perfect hair and makeup or goofy fur-lined hats, but Kolber's got something very seductive about her look. Sure, I've never seen her from the waist down, but I'm here to say that with or without Joe's many beers, I would like to kiss Suzy Kolber.

In fact, I've compiled a list of female interviewers and the number of 12 ounce Milwaukee's Best Lights it would take me declare my desire to kiss them. I'm not sure that this is educational for anyone but my immediate family, but I think it might be fun to see who ranks where.

0-1 beers	Soledad O'Brien- CNN American Morning Ann Curry- NBC Today Show Kelly Ripa- Some show with an old guy These women are just purty, end of discussion.
2-3 beers	Oprah Winfrey- The Oprah Winfrey Show I'm not really that attracted to Oprah physically, but man oh man, the cash, the stocks, the bonds...oh God, the bonds!
4-5 beers	Ricki Lake- Ricki From serious actress (John Waters count as serious in my book) to daytime talk show drama peddler, Ricki Lake used to rival Oprah in her up and down weight watching. But she's always been a pretty girl and the good news is that at 4-5 beers the pounds begin to melt away.
6-8 beers	Diane Sawyer- ABC News There's an obvious age difference but a very prestigious lay, nonetheless.
9-10 beers	Katie Couric- NBC Today Show The second contestant from Today. Sure, Katie Couric is cute, sometimes she even comes off as sexy. But she has that stubborn kind of annoyingness that I don't think would disappear until after 9 or 10 beers when my hearing begins to slur. Besides, if the aforementioned Ann Curry is in the room then I'm going to embarrass myself into a security escorted exit before I ever get to 9 beers.
11-12 beers	Barbara Walters- ABC News ABC News's second entry in the list. Yes, she's very old but the reason Walters makes the list is because of her well-known "softball" interview style. Instead of asking me the tough questions like "You don't work out, do you?" and "Is that it?" she'd treat me like an A-list movie star whose shoddy work gets completely overlooked just because Walters is happy to have the attention.

So there you go, there's the list. Having reviewed it thoroughly I decline to analyze it publicly.