US Central Command in Iraq today announced that they have found evidence of the much sought-after Iraqi Weapons Stockpile. A team of Soldiers from the 607th Ordnance Group has uncovered what they believe to be a weapons development facility in an "affluent" suburb of Baghdad. While field tests for actual weapons are proving inconclusive, Army spokesman Lieutenant-Major Hector "Hop" Schipanachumph of the 607th claims to have definitive proof of Saddam's Banned Weapons Research Program. The facility covers approximately three acres, and includes several apparent weapons labs, surrounded by a complex of support facilities that were luxurious by Iraqi standards.

"The Ba'athist staff, we suppose, had access to these evil facilities, when they had down time between research projects, which we also believe were evil," said Schipanachumph at a press briefing. The staff had a private kitchen and dining facility, as well as an auditorium and a personal gymnasium.

To one side of the complex, a grim reminder of Saddam's tyranny: Steel bars set up at strange angles, menacingly anchored in concrete. Chains hang from bars suspended eight feet in the air, bearing a silent steel witness to the evils of Hussein's reign. It is thought non-compliant scientists were sadistically tortured here into obedience.

Implementations of torture designed to intimidate children into learning the basics of weapons theory.

Soldiers also discovered an extensive research library of what seem to be tapes, recordings and texts in Arabic of weapons manufacture also supported the most serious work of the facility: the research labs.

A squad on patrol led by a PFC Roger Munt, of Vermont, Maryland is credited with finding the facility.

"Well, we were conducting this patrol, and while we were searching the premises, Rilley over there, picks up a book off the shelf ... and it was in Arab and all, but the diagrams, and the pictures, well, they told it all: pictures of atoms and molecules and, well, I can't say much more ... you know, Military Intelligence and all." Munt radioed back to headquarters, and the 607th quickly descended upon the site.

"It's unmistakable, these people were conducting the basic vital research necessary to eventually produce a weapon of mass destruction," exclaimed Schipanachumph, "was their work complete? No. Did they actually have weapons here? No. How close were they? We just don't know that yet."

What is known now is that Iraqi scientists had discovered the basic chemical elements and processes, and were instructing other people, possibly scientists themselves, to memorize a chart of the elements. The idea, says the Army, was that if discovered, they could burn the evidence but retain the information.

"We find that the program was in its most rudimentary stages: if Iraqi scientists had ever discovered that only certain nuclei will yield weapons grade material, I shudder to think what might have happened to the troops ... and the children," another officer of the 607th allowed.

Perhaps the most shocking discovery of all however, was the revelation that Ba'athists employed a large labor pool of child-slaves drawn from surrounding families to toil at the facility. The slaves were housed in stark cells that fill the majority of the complex that was "more of a prison than a science facility, really," quipped Schipanachumph, "but then, I'm no expert on that." It is not known what precise role the child-slaves played in the research facility, nor what ever became of them.

"We saw the labs," said Munt, "and they had water supplies, glass beakers, those things that make the blue flames ... and these gas jets. I think the Ba'athists gassed the child-slaves and then ate the bodies as we advanced on Baghdad."

Officers in the 607th dispute Munt's interpretation, but have no problem with plastic blonde TV anchor hotties breathlessly repeating the assertions for the next 24 hours.

"This is why we must under fund America's public schools for our own good," claimed a Prozac-addled Donald Rumsfeld, "I mean, really, if the Periodic Table of the Elements were to fall into the wrong hands, well, it would be simply disastrous for the troops ... and the children."