Diane Moser of Singing Hills, Virginia has ordered an all-out offensive on what she claims are stockpiles of useless crap.

"We know where the crap is, and once we have dust mops on the ground, the truth will be known," Moser said during a telephone interview today. She went on to say that while the initial offensive will be limited to an area of operations that covers the basement den, there will necessarily be new fights in other rooms.

Supporters lauded the brave and decisive decision. Critics, however, worry that Moser's actions threaten to unravel the delicate diplomatic situation in the affluent-yet-deeply-oppressed gated community.

Moser's declaration was met with much protest from no less than two

Diane Moser has already begun equipment buildup in the region. The most menacing of which is the industrial sized mop bucket which was once on the short-lived "no buy list." Also on the list were so-called "smart" cleaning devices such as robotic vacuum cleaners and ultralight "swiffer-like contraptions."

household members, who claim the clutter is neither as bad nor a deadly as Diane claims.

"We've had multilateral family inspectors go through our house repeatedly with a fine tooth comb, and all they came up with was a stack of old Redbook magazines . And to be fair it was really just three--not much of a pile if you ask me, much less what could actually be termed as 'clutter'," stated opposition spokesperson Frank Moser. "And here's the kicker--Diane brought the damn things in here herself!"

Pro-War advocates counter that Frank doesn't do enough to help wage the fight against clutter, citing a public statement he once made in a speech to the Dinner Table in Winter 2004 when he grumbled angrily to no one in particular: "When the hell is someone gonna dispose of this crap?!" Frank now claims that his statement was taken "entirely out of context" and was directed at what he insists was a sub-par, or "downright shitty", meal.

A few voices have joined Frank Moser's effort to resist Diane Moser's irrational march to War: Frank "Trippy" Moser Jr. has sided with Frank Sr. pointing out that the vast majority of what is termed "clutter" is actually the myriad of "cheap little Chotchkies, Bric-A Brac and Precious Moments ™[ceramic figurines]" that infest the Moser household.

"Mom is off her fucking nut," the ten-year-old stridently shouted while completing Level Seven of his Xbox game.

However, Diane Moser is not without allies and has assembled what she terms a "Coalition of the Willing," whom she also refers to as "Those who truly love Mommy best," plying participants with gifts, favors and assorted baked goods.

Coalition member Madeline Moser, 14, while initially bemoaning the incessant focus on Clutter and working to achieve some type of compromise, has nevertheless decided to support the War, claiming that "Clutter strikes at the very heart of what makes ours a great House: our commitment to a neat and tidy home."

Tensions have been steadily escalating in the past few weeks. Following the declaration of Cleanstilities, Frank Moser has threatened to cut off all funding to Diane Moser, who immediately responded with a veiled threat of her own.

"Take away my cash huh? We'll see how long that lasts when the occasional oral servicing mysteriously ceases."

The Blow Job Embargo has not been carried through but observers say it remains a potent means of coercion. Frank Moser remains defiant, saying he's unafraid to outsource: "My office can more than make up for any deficit the embargo might force. And we're headed for another round of layoffs ... that's a lot of eager orifices."

Diane Moser refused to directly address Frank Moser's statements, reiterating that "We must go to where the piles are, and root out the evil doers. We cannot wait for the smoking pile to be a mushroom."