Schiavo, a 41-year-old woman who has been in a persistent vegetative state for 15 years, has been without food or water for a week and will die any day unless her feeding tube is reinserted.
Last Friday, a Florida judge approved an order to remove the tube, issuing the challenge, "Take a good, long look around at all the old people, and tell me you don't have the right to die in Florida. It's practically our state motto."
The next day, Congress convened to pass emergency legislation that would allow Schiavo's parents, the Schindlers, to appeal. The President signed the bill outside his bedroom door at 1 am, a little cranky but eager to do his part.
"In cases like this one... our society, our laws, and our courts should have a presumption in favor of life," said Bush, as he sprinkled powder into a tank of sea monkeys, a meditative look on his face.
But the outcry against the bill was immediate. Of primary concern were what many Democrats are calling "ideological pork," including measures requiring Rep. Tom DeLay's neighbor to mow his lawn, another penned by Vice President Dick Cheney stipulating that his daughter's friends must grow long hair, and a last-minute amendment from President Bush ordering the deployment of six aircraft carriers to Iran.
Her husband, Michael Shiavo, has been fighting since 1998 to remove Terri's feeding tube, saying she told him she would not want to be kept alive artificially.
But her parents have fought to keep her alive, accusing Michael Schiavo of having an affair with a vegetable across the hall.
Terri Schiavo was born in 1964, but her husband contends that the last 15 years can hardly be called "lived."
"How can you call this life? She still hasn't opened the birthday present I got her in 1993.
Terri may be brain-dead, says her mother, but her "liver and kidneys are alive and kicking. When she hears a familiar voice, she smiles readily. She's very easy-going. You would like her."
She proudly holds up Terri's degree in communications, earned in 1995, boasting, "She's only the second brain-dead woman to graduate from Sarasota Community College with a 3.0 average."
The Schindlers and their pro-life allies have taken the case to every court that would listen, including the Supreme Court, but each one has refused to take action. "It is not within this court's powers to intervene," said Judge Judy in her finding.
Members of Congress have looked hard for a way to help the Schindlers. Last week, they subpoenaed Terri Schiavo to appear before them. Rep. Stephen Murphy later said, "We heard she smiles and sways her head to the rhythm when a cell phone plays 'Turkey in the Straw.'"
Rep. Douglas McAllister elbowed him in the ribs and said, "The important thing is, we were willing to hear her out."
On Monday, lawmakers asked, "How can you remove her feeding tube"--and whipped out a piece of paper--"when she's running for governor of South Dakota!" That also hasn't stood up to court scrutiny because all of the signatures on the ballot petition were Florida residents.
Pro-life advocates have held a 24-hour vigil outside the hospice where Terri Schiavo now lives. Yesterday, they held up bottles of water and a Missouri activist was arrested after trying to deliver one to the dehydrated Schiavo.
A spokesperson for Poland Spring denied rumors that it was a publicity stunt.
Motorists passing the conservative crowd outside the hospice were divided, with some honking in support, and an equal number shouting, "Go get laid!"
Other terminally ill patients drew their blinds and complained of the noise.
One scowling right-to-die advocate said, "She can't feel or know where she is. Basically, all she can do is eat, breathe, and make trouble. I say, lob a grenade in there. Here's Ol' Yeller on DVD and some Kleenex. Figure it out."
A pro-life advocate waved a crowbar menacingly and replied, "Why are you interfering? This isn't about you! This is about Bob and Mary Schindler, who just want someone who'll care of them in their old age!"
Experts expect that this debate will rage for days if not weeks following Schiavo's death and will usually go something like this:
"Terri Schiavo wouldn't want to live like this!"
"Oh yeah? What if she's experiencing some beautiful dream, in a world that no longer exists, where Dubya never took over, the Twin Towers stand majestically, and bin Laden is still the CIA's friend? That blissful time when there was no longer a Menudo, but not yet a Backstreet Boys? As far as she knows, Rodney King never ran from the cops. Woody Allen is a filmmaker, and not a late-night punchline. Star Wars is three pretty good movies. And the Godfather? Oh, sweet coma! O.J. is just a great running back. Paris Hilton is a building. Clay Aiken is an unknown 10-year-old, albeit a flaming one. Maybe, just maybe, that movie she loves so much, about those two guys, The Officer and the Gentleman, is playing over and over in her mind. What's so wrong about that?"
"Yeah, SURE! But what about Boy George!? What if her brain is one big Boy George video?!"
A hush falls over the room.
