It is fitting that Charm City itself was the host of a very charming event last night. The 54th annual Miss USA pageant came to a close with Miss North Carolina, Chelsea Cooley, atop the pile of future Playboy "Special Issue" models.

It is a hard time for beauty pageants as they struggle to regain the prominence they have enjoyed in the past. Experts often suggest that cable television and fashion magazines have taken the place of the beauty pageant as corporate America's favored tools of female subjugation. Donald Trump and NBC, co-owners of the Miss USA pageant, are working tirelessly to make sure beauty pageants do not become just another antiquated means of gender based oppression.

This is why it was so poignant when Cooley, a fashion marketing student, won the honor of Miss USA.

Faces have been removed in preparation for Miss USA 2006 press releases.

Pageant analyzers tend to agree that Cooley's chosen career of objectifying women to sell overpriced sweatshop clothing probably went a long way in winning her the title.

"She has already bought into the whole idea that we can keep our economy rolling with pictures of stick-like shells of human beings staring back at us from every conceivable media outlet," said industry analyst Oliver Klosov. "That is exactly the kind of person that we want our little girls to grow up to be. We see the perfect female to be ruthless and vapid. It's a rare combination but when you find it in a size 2 evening gown, it will take your breath away."

Judges also seemed delighted with Cooley's comparison of herself to Oprah Winfrey. Winfrey, as a very powerful woman who feeds the nation every stereotypical idea of race, gender and class that she can, is exactly the type of person that the judges would like to see a white woman aspire to become. And by their votes Monday night, they took a small step toward realizing that dream.