When iconic crimefighter John Shaft pitter-pattered into his kitchen Sunday morning, he was floored by what he saw. On the table was a generous spread of home-cooked eggs, toast, hominy, grits, and 40-ounce bottles of beer. Waiting for the sleepy-eyed sleuth was rapper 50 Cent, and fighters Mike Tyson and Ron Artest, who stood hastily and shouted, "Happy Mother's Day!," as a bevy of black babes boasting big booties bounced and backed same into the dick du jour.

The stunned Shaft was speechless for a moment, both hands over his wide smile. Finally, the anachronistic assman plucked a pick that was perched on his patootie, ran it through his afro, and shouted, "You guys!"

Artest handed Shaft an oversize Hallmark card, which he held up for all to see, as 50 Cent implored, "Read it to me!" On the front was a photo of a brutalized criminal lying in an alley, with the words, "On Mother's Day, you always know what a real muther wants to get..."

"That punk!" read the inside of the card.

"Can you dig it?" shouted Tyson giddily, an open bottle of champagne held high,

Shaft? Happy Mother's Day.

aimed at the head of a woman he had pinned with one knee.

Artest and Fitty lifted Tyson from the shaken ho and together the thuggish threesome carried a cake into the room and sang improvised lyrics to the theme from Shaft: "S is for the sex you have so much of /H is for the hotties that you hump /A is for always getting your woman /F is feelings that never get hurt /T is for the titties that you fon...dle..."

Soon, Shaft was tearing into his gifts. He got a 12-round clip, a blackjack, and a set of brass knuckles engraved, "To a Mother that has meant so much, for all you do."

But his favorite present seemed to be The Rodney King Beating commemorative plate. "Wow," he said quietly. "I love it."

"You deserve it," said Tyson.

The group spent the rest of the morning relaxing, listening to music, and informing passing women of their ample posteriors. "I guess not busting heads is okay, one day a year," said Shaft.

"Know what you mean, jellybean," said Tyson.

"Turn down the music," said Shaft after a while. "I think the phone is ringing." Sure enough, it was. He sighed. He put down his chicken wing and said, "Let it ring."

But it continued. Finally, Shaft pointed to a girl in a leopard-print bikini and said, "Wanda, take a look at the caller ID by the phone there."

The woman strolled sleepily to a green rotary phone and sat in an orange velvet chair to peer into the small LCD display. "It says... Jackson... S. L."

"Whattaya know," said Shaft. "It's Sam Jackson." The phone rang for the 20th time. "Looks like SOMEBODY didn't get a Mother's Day card again." The room exploded in laughter.