With the flu season underway, many public health officials are publicly discussing their concern of the effects of a public flu epidemc. They are most concerned, however, with a certain kind of flu. The nerd flu.

The nerd flu, while common, is hard to track because it is often difficult for health care workers to diagnose. People suffering from the nerd flu may exhibit symptoms including pale or clammy skin, exhaustion caused by minimal physical effort, difficulty communicating in socially acceptable manners and delusions of grandeur.

"So as you can see," says Centers for Disease Control spokesman Dan “Sneezy” Jackson, "symptoms can go unnoticed and even tolerated by workplace management for some time."

And the workplace is the epicenter of nerd flu, suggest most experts.

"Like the rats of the Black Plague, the nerd flu travels by mouse," warns Jackson. "Support staff often brings the flu into the nerd community after contracting it from the mice of 'carriers'."

Ways to avoid the nerd flu: Experts suggest a system of dumbification to ward of the seasonal nerd flu Buy a Roxio brand MP3 player and constantly refer to it as an "iPod" even to people who you know know the difference Change your car stereo presets to: 1. Clear Channel 2. Right wing talk 3. Sports talk 4. Anything with the word "Mix" in it Begin using Microsoft™ Windows™ Shop at a brick and mortar store once per month - try not to obsess about the inventory database or the distribution logistics Read Cosmopolitan magazine cover to cover and choose three pages that were interesting in non-masturbatory ways

Carriers include secretaries, accountant, CEO's and any other hapless boob whose sole purpose, nerd flu sufferers believe, is to provide work for the support staff.

The support staff then spreads the flu up the community chain by asking the organizations programmers inane questions about SQL statements over lunch who then pass it on to the hardware people while demanding 40 more gigabytes of server space for their iTunes backup. CDC research shows that this process continues right up to the organization's CIO who always seems to be "strangely immune."

Most companies have felt the damage of a season long nerd flu outbreak. Once diagnosed, the nerds must be rounded up and quarantined long enough to watch seasons one and two of CBS's Survivor on DVD. This cure can take months as those affected can only watch a few minutes a day before violent vomiting occurs.

"We have also experimented with large doses of The View and Live with Regis and Kelly," recalls Jackson, "but the trial was suspended after the third suicide."

During these long recovery times, companies can become literally pleasant.

"Without someone sniping at me about how I had to learn how to change my own toner," remembers administrative assistant Tammy Faker whose company was hit hard with the nerd flu last year, "I just learned how to do it by myself. I also re-imaged my own hard drive, tweaked a few of my registry settings and installed a DVD±RW drive."

"It was an interesting few months," agrees CEO, Jacob Meyers, "Without the programmers around I couldn't get our reporting software changed at my every whim. I actually had to track the same numbers for an entire quarter. I learned a lot about our business during the nerd flu outbreak."

"The real problem is the vaccine for the nerd flu," says the CDC's Jackson. "There is only one vaccine, it is very hard to distribute and has many side-effects." And that's not to mention the shortage. Jackson continues, "If we were to experience a real pandemic of nerd flu, well, let's just say that I don't think there are enough whorehouses in Nevada to legally 'vaccinate' every nerd in the country."