After vigorously defending corporate outsourcing that has sent more than one million American jobs to other countries in the last two years and after his latest idea of outsourcing the management of six vital American ports to Arab-based Dubai Ports World, President Bush yesterday learned the true meaning of outsourcing. Full Story >> |
In response to Vice President Cheney's recent hunting accident, Republican strategist and longtime gun safety authority, Mary Matalin, has begun production on a DVD designed to "teach you all you need to know about gun and hunting safety." Full Story >> |
Since having to tragically end their month long vacation two days early to return to Washington for hurricane Katrina photo-ops, the Bush family has found it mentally necessary to "live their lives" by planning next summer's five week vacation. Full Story >> |
President Bush admitted today that he is still "not satisfied with the results" of his administration's lies to the media concerning the government's response to hurricane Katrina. Full Story >> |
President Bush's top advisors have decided to blame the media and liberals for playing the "blame game" during their public relations nightmare known as hurricane Katrina. Full Story >> |
The Bush administration is working hard this weekend to highlight the distress Hurricane Katrina has caused its core supporters, the Have-mores. Full Story >> |
When asked yesterday whether the seemingly unending string of revelations and gaffes that have embarrassed the White House and plagued his presidency would hurt his bid for reelection, President Bush responded, "Those were not my fault." Full Story >> |
Donald Rumsfeld, a lifetime war game hobbyist, has been expelled from his club for "bad sportsmanship."
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This week, anyone with a television set has learned that Ronald Reagan worked very hard during his Presidency to fill the American people with hope for the future. Short-sighted critics have always contended that food may have been better, but it's hard to argue with the warming, whiskey-like feel of a belly full of hope. Full Story >> |
On Monday night President Bush kicked off a televised mini-series event entitled "Redundancy: Postponing Failure with Inaction." The six part series of speeches will be forced upon the voting public at random intervals between now and the handover of power in Iraq on June 30. Full Story >> |
Uncle Donald wants you, sucker. As the continued violent uprising in Iraq stretches into its third week, Congress has suggested that reinstating the Military Draft may be necessary to bolster American Forces already stretched thin. Full Story >> |
White House to Run Negative Campaign Ads against Itself A recent study shows that the amount of negative press given to President Bush is actually creating sympathetic support for the Texan. “People are becoming angry at the media and not the President,” quoted a high level CNN executive. Full Story >> |
C-Span will run seven second delay After weeks of stalling, stonewalling and otherwise obstructing democracy, the Bush White House has succumbed to mounting pressure, announcing that National Security Director Condoleezza Rice will publicly testify before the 9/11 Commission. Full Story >> |
Wants to be beaten properly Despite facing a barrage of criticism Ralph Nader has decided to run for President in the fall election. Following the presidential election debacle four years ago he's hoping that this year's election turns out fair and square and he loses for real. Full Story >> |
Lack of Reagan references hurts movie's credibility First the Jew-bashing hype over Mel Gibson's "The Passion", and now this: Conservatives are taking Disney Studio's Hockey saga "Miracle" to task. Their beef: In a film that is largely set in the 1980's, nary a reference to Ronald Reagan is ever put forth. Full Story >> |
Terrorists Cry Foul Education Secretary Rod Paige today called the National Education Association a "terrorist group" but later apologized for the remark saying that it was insensitive to well-meaning terrorists everywhere. Full Story >> |
What to do? Former Vermont Governor, Dr. Howard Dean dropped out of the Democratic Presidential primary race today and took a plane back to Vermont to begin thinking about what to do with all of his now free time. Full Story >> |
Stake in a future Secretary of Transportation not that bad Investment banker Theodore Natham told his clients today that he was very pleased with the coming dividend of their substantial contribution to the presidential campaign of Howard Dean. Full Story >> |
Won't commit to clean fuels inside of bubble The Bush administration announced today that it is pulling out of a proposed clean air summit with NASA and environmental groups. The focus of the summit was to be to create a set of air quality standards in the administrations proposed "human settlement" on the Moon, which has been dubbed "The Bubble." Full Story >> |
Officials worried he may be 'stranded in a crater' Five days after descending upon the Martian surface the last ever John Kerry supporter is still unheard from.
Ruling out weather and internal clock issues as possible explanations for the failure in communication the European space agency in conjunction with Democratic leaders in the US now believe embarrassment to be the most plausible reason for the radio silence.
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Democratic rivals of Presidential candidate Howard Dean are quickly taking advantage of the controversy surrounding recent Dean remarks aimed at appealing to Southern voters. Perhaps the biggest outcry though, has come from the very class that Dean had hoped to woo: poor Southern whites. Full Story >> |
Hailing victory in the recent California recall election, newly elected Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger remains elusive over the specifics of his administrations immediate plans. Full Story >> |
"One step closer to not lying," says former aide President Bush addressed the nation on television Sunday night to state a few things that, in recent months, have become common knowledge. Full Story >> |
Hints Skynet may be next military target President Bush has ordered the release of all enemy/unlawful combatants being held in detention camps in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba following September 11 and the war in Afghanistan. The camps instead will be used to hold all US citizens named John Connor for protection. Full Story >> |
Child suffrage activists pee themselves with excitement While Democrats are calling President Bush's use of a military jet to land on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln a photo opportunity for his re-election campaign, previously unpublished photos may show a much more suspicious reason for the trip. Full Story >> |
"For a Defense Secretary, he's very offensive" Out of what appears to be sheer habit, US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made several unnecessarily offensive statements Saturday Night to Mike Grubb, a Domino's Pizza delivery driver in the Washington D.C. suburbs. Full Story >> |
Doctors will be on hand It's been just over a year since President Bush fainted from choking on a pretzel while watching an NFL playoff game and the White House is taking steps to make sure the incident doesn't repeat itself.
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Increased confidence brought by enlarged bank account President Bush announced his new economic plan this week much to the delight of himself.
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Lott's self approval rating expected to plummet In a written statement released today, Senator Trent Lott's (Rep.- Miss.) "hair" says it will be stepping down in January. Senator Lott has been embroiled in a bitter controversy since recently shocking the nation by implying that a 61-year-old white man from Mississippi might be racist. Full Story >> |
Confusion in the House When Rep. Richard A. Gephardt (D- Mo.) stepped down as the House Democratic leader after Tuesday's mid-term election sweep by Republicans, he sparked an intense debate amongst House Democrats. Full Story >> |
Some claim his new preternatural powers have gone to his head In a special midnight session of the Senate on Saturday,
The ghost of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone (D) introduced legislation aimed at toughening air safety standards for small charter aircraft. Senator Wellstone died Friday in a small plane crash just one day prior to the session. Full Story >> |
Desperate attempt to shift domestic policy away from controversy President Bush last week kicked off his new domestic policy allegedly code named "Love Me", by speaking out against forest fires. Full Story >> |
