Robert "Bobby" Wilson knows about adversity and he knows how to overcome it. Family and friends have watched and rooted as Bobby has been valiantly fighting a battle to complete his bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. But six years in and with only 87 credits to show for his efforts his frustrated parents are considering setting a timetable to cut off funding for his education. Full Story >> |
In an attempt to comfort tourists and upper class whites, city council, in conjunction with the Philadelphia Board of Tourism, announced yesterday that Philadelphia will be officially divided between "good" and "bad" parts. Full Story >> |
When iconic crimefighter John Shaft pitter-pattered into his kitchen Sunday morning, he was floored by what he saw. Full Story >> |
It is fitting that Charm City itself was the host of a very charming event last night. The 54th annual Miss USA pageant came to a close with Miss North Carolina, Chelsea Cooley, atop the pile of future Playboy "Special Issue" models. Full Story >> |
Amidst outrage from right-to-die advocates and a flurry of legal challenges to the legislation hastily passed last weekend to save Terri Schiavo's life, Congress and President Bush agreed last night to a second bill that reaffirms the federal government's role of decision maker for brain dead women and their families. Full Story >> |
The death of Arthur Miller sent shockwaves through the nation's high schools last week. The most noticeable reactions were from English teachers who were surprised and ashamed to find out that Arthur Miller was still alive. Most believed he had died years ago. Full Story >> |
A small but violent protest broke out today at the end of a Chinese New Year celebration in a San Francisco ballroom. The protesters were apparently expecting a performance by three members of the 1960's super group Crosby Stills, Nash and Young (CSNY).
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High Volume of Seasonal Mail Simply 'Too Much' The United States Postal Service admitted it has been shredding millions of Christmas cards and letters to help cope with a glut of seasonal mail it simply can't handle. Full Story >> |
Outcome Now Uncertain In what is being called the mistake of the decade, Ohio's Governor Bob Taft reported today that after several recounts of his state's Presidential ballots, it is clear that, due to several voting machine malfunctions, Senator Kerry won Ohio by 24,614 votes. The nature of the malfunction is currently under investigation. Full Story >> |
A group calling themselves the Florida Aquatic Related Property Owners for Truth (FARPOT) have filed suit in a Florida court to stop environmental groups from trying to protect the state's endangered manatee population. Full Story >> |
Saying she's been pushed beyond her "reasonable limits" a suburban housewife has put her foot down and declared a "War on Clutter." Full Story >> |
Jump to celebrate, possibly end life Former President Bush announced this week that he will go ahead with his planned parachute jump on Saturday to mark his 80th birthday. Full Story >> |
Tests the system A few days ago, 22-year-old Scott Evans of Centreville, Ohio, was overcome with boredom and decided to make a visit to his local library. Full Story >> |
Living the high life Times are suddenly, strangely tough in Colorado. What started out as a minor molehill of "gettin' that nasty" has erupted in a "mountain o' coochie poppin'." Full Story >> |
A major U.S./Canadian border crossing was closed for an hour yesterday after customs officials found what they are calling "a disturbingly small amount of gasoline" in a vehicle on its way to Seattle. Full Story >> |
Halliburton-KBR awarded lucrative, no-bid Moon preparation contract President Bush last week proposed lofty new goals for the US space program. Some of the goals were claiming the Moon as a launching site for future space missions and a manned mission to Mars for which no reason was given. Full Story >> |
Farmer's Wives Fear Contaminated Meat The US Food and Drug Administration has released a statement warning consumers and farmers of another farmyard disease outbreak in the United States. The problem was discovered when a veterinarian was called to the scene of some rather odd sexual incidents on a farm north of Elkins, West Virginia Wednesday. Full Story >> |
US Press Cultural Analysis In response to a recent wave of what they perceive as Southern-bashing, Southerners of all stripes are coming together from all corners of the old Confederacy to resist those who would mock them. What started out as a well-meaning--but vastly misinterpreted--comment from a presidential candidate was exacerbated by a spate of news articles, songs, stand-up jokes and films. Additionally, they say they are not going to take it any more. Full Story >> |
In the wake of last month's bombings in Afghanistan in which fifteen kids were disintegrated in
the hunt for a one-legged alleged Al-Qaeda member on permission leave from thumbscrew camp to
celebrate his nephew's seventh birthday, the Pentagon today issued a written statement addressing the matter. Full Story >> |
Vomiting widespread Hundreds of thousands of US citizens are awakening on New Year's Day suffering from an apparent biological attack by the Al-Qaeda terrorist network. Victims from all over the country are complaining of headaches, vomiting and general grogginess after being poisoned during traditional New Year's Eve celebrations. Full Story >> |
Mad rush to suck up gets out of hand In a revelation of near biblical proportions Jesus has admitted that last Saturday he was trampled by Michael Jackson supporters at a much publicized gathering at the performer's Neverland Ranch. Full Story >> |
Christians say history repeats itself Christians say History Repeats Itself One day after being ironically trampled by a crowd of Christmas shoppers, the Son of God was beset by another tragic event today outside a New York City law firm. Sources say Jesus, feeling dejected from the abuse of the day before and seeking comfort and solace amongst 'his own people,' appeared earlier this morning in the Lower East Side of New York City.
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"Thou Shall Not Miss a Sale" Jesus Christ appeared this morning with tiding of great joy, to a crowd of shoppers who were waiting in the parking lot for the opening of Wal-Mart. What might have been a wonderful, unprecedented miracle of happiness and celebration ended tragically when the front doors to the store were opened and the famed Savior of the world was trampled in the mad rush to obtain a hard-to-find set of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Full Story >> |
Say protests unnecessary Parents of Stratfod High School students and civil rights leaders including Jesse Jackson met in South Carolina today to protest the potentially deadly situation created when local police swarmed into the school with guns drawn in a search for drugs. However, spokesmen for the police sought once again to alleviate parents fears by assuring them that all officers involved in the raid were safe and unharmed. Full Story >> |
Company bets on used food Responding to Amazon.com's launch of a gourmet food store earlier this month, the online auction house eBay has decided to allow its community to sell food products. Full Story >> |
In fulfillment of a campaign promise, Governor Schwarzenegger has pledged to co-operate fully with an investigation into allegations that he has engaged in a long-term pattern of criminal sexual abuse against women. Furthermore, in a refreshing display of selfless civic mindedness, Schwarzenegger himself will personally hire and pay the crack team of private investigators that will look into the mounting evidence of criminal activity on his part. Full Story >> |
At an afternoon press conference, a spokesman for your state's Department of Transportation said that a new report commissioned by the department showed... Full Story >> |
Slim cows will be unmarketable, hope the vege-terrorists Last week, scientists at Texas A&M University's Beef Center finally figured out what had been confusing them for months. Almost all of the Center's cows had lost significant amounts of weight in the previous six weeks. Full Story >> |
As the brute force of Hurricane Isabel threatens the East Coast, Wyomians are once again ignoring a mandatory evacuation order by the National Hurricane Center.
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Looking back at a different world Americans everywhere are reflecting today on the events of almost two years ago. Full Story >> |
Official inquiry underway Official inquiry underway Oak Mills High School sophomore Jeremy White has been accused by the school's administration and the media of turning in a "sexed up" version a book report at the end of his freshman year.Full Story >> |
Acknowledged Neighborhood Oaf Found Literally "Asleep at the Switch" After days of incessant finger pointing that reaches as far as Canada, officials at Indian Point Nuclear Energy
Facility near New York City have admitted that which many assumed in the first place, that a blackout which crippled as much as one-quarter of the North American Continent was caused by a bumbling oaf working for ConEd, the regional power corporation that runs New York's section of the national power grids. Full Story >> |
Gays Lobby for the Right to Fail 50% of the Time, Just Like Heteros The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court will be ruling soon on state recognition of same-sex marriages. The controversial decision is being hailed by some as a breakthrough that will allow a previously excluded part of the population to finally experience the bitter pain and financial burden of divorce.
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Is you is or is you ain't? The nation's top economists were on hand today for a press conference kicking off the annual Hooray for Wealth Forum, a yearly gathering of those who benefit most from the moneyed underpinnings of our great society. Full Story >> |
God's lawyers have yet to respond to request State District Attorney John F. Dinsmore said Wednesday that he will seek a subpoena for God (a.k.a. The Almighty) for questioning in connection with the brutal beating of three young boys by their own mother, resulting in the death of two of them. Full Story >> |
"Armed and Deranged" Authorities are on the lookout for a man they say may be "armed and deranged." Police were tipped off to the depravity of the suspect... Full Story >> |
Brown Death A recent study, conducted by the University of California at Berkeley School of Behavioral Science, compared chocolate intake and it's potentially deadly effects on men and women.
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The weather is finally nice, go inside and see a movie! Well, Spring is finally coming on strong and so are the Hollywood hits. The artless machine is pumping out art faster than you can say "sweatshop" and since you don't really want to sweat, why not sit in a chilly theatre being entertained? Why not? Here are a few reasons why not. Full Story >> |
Also wants to know where babies come from For the first time in his 23-year career as a Lutheran Pastor, Bob Smithton was rendered silent after being asked a theological question Wednesday night at the home of a parishioner. Full Story >> |
Says goodbye to Velcro Speaking informally at a Republican fundraising dinner yesterday, Barbara Bush told a group from the Grandmothers of America (GMA) that her son Georgie learned to tie his shoe last weekend. Full Story >> |
Continuing Coverage of Ass Watch 2003 A report released today by the Bethesda Naval Hospital shows that the Government has reached a new pinnacle: Not only is the nation's leadership, or "head" planted squarely up its ass, but medical doctors that keep tabs on the nation's health say that never in the history of the U.S. of A. has the head been so very far up its posterior. Full Story >> |
Global warming needs a kick start At the behest of the entire Northeastern seaboard, which has been in deep freeze since mid-August, Virginia prosecutors have agreed to a temporary release of sniper suspect Lee Malvo. The reason for the release, to "take care of" Punxatawney Phil therefore insuring an early end to winter, was leaked to media today by a source from inside the super secret government agency NOAA, a.k.a., the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Full Story >> |
Illinois Governor Clears Death Row Illinois Governor George Ryan on Saturday, in a move heralded as a huge blow to supporters of capital punishment, cleared all 167 prisoners from death row in his state. His move was the largest shakeup of death row since Snoop Dog left in 1998. The Governor cites Illinios' current system's "propensity for error in determining culpability" as his reasons for his bold move. He also admits not knowing exactly what that means, but insists that the phrase is the worst motto the state has ever had. Full Story >> |
Anarchists say, "It's about time" Kroger Co., the largest U.S. supermarket chain, is testing a new system that allows shoppers to pay with their fingerprint. Local shoplifters are boasting that they were "way ahead of the curve" on this technology. Full Story >> |
Requests presence of lawyer Local mall Santa George Graham has issued a report which indicates that he and his staff of elves have made "no progress" in their interviews with alleged naughty boy, Ralph Carson. Full Story >> |
Controlling the biggest gas producers entails removing entrails The Bush Administration moved Friday to loosen its enforcement of the Clean Air Act on heavy industry. A task force headed by Vice President Cheney called for a review of the way industry is required to comply with air pollution laws. Full Story >> |
At a press conference today FBI profiler Derrick Atkins detailed the psychological makeup of the Maryland sniper who has been on a killing spree since last Wednesday. Full Story >> |
Sources say ex-star will take any jab at America The Al- Jazeera television network released an audiotape Sunday it said was made by Osama bin Laden. The contents of the tape are reported to be an explanation of the al Qaeda September 11, 2001 attacks on New York and Washington, D.C. The Pentagon immediately called in top FBI sound analysts to try to verify that the voice on the tape was bin Laden's.
"The shocking truth of the matter," says FBI sound analyst Chip Edwards, "is that the voice on the tape is actually Rich Little."
"It's entirely believable to think that he is involved in this horrible plot," said an another FBI agent speaking on condition of anonymity. "Rich Little is a foreigner of the Canadian variety who has basically made a career of brazenly making fun of many of our presidents and our way of life."
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Pleads guilty if conditions are met Suspected "Shoe Bomber" Richard Reid, who is charged with trying to kill hundreds of people by igniting a bomb on an international flight, agreed to plead guilty to the eight charges against him in Federal Court yesterday. Full Story >> |
More white kids than you can shake a stick at Approximately 2,000 rich white kids from around the nation protested in Washington, D.C. on Friday, against what they say are misguided policies in place by the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank. Full Story >> |
Multi-site internet tribute to Andrew Marlatt's SatireWire.
Dell Meant To "remember," Not "recall," Laptop Parts Full Story >> |
New mouse to smell more like user's hand According to a recent press release by Fellowes, a company that sells computer accessories around the globe, "At Fellowes, the future is now." Full Story >> |
Ultra legislated state finds one more to put on the books In an unprecedented decision the Commonwealth of Massachusetts voted yesterday to institute legislation that would make it mandatory for drivers of any motor vehicle to wear approved protective headgear at any time while in motion. Full Story >> |
New study confirms the obvious A new study released today by the University of Georgia suggests that US males do not find Paula Zahn as attractive as they did a year ago. Full Story >> |
Nation's fascination with hero imagery waning. Women return to wanting men with money. A lot in America changed on 09/11/2001. The country as a whole seemed to understand how precious life was. We lost our petty distrust of the police, we remembered to give blood and donate to charities. Many wonder if we haven't slipped back to our old ways since then. Full Story >> |
"Clear case of Biological Warfare," says Gov. In recent weeks Louisiana has an experienced four deaths and 88 illnesses caused by West Nile Virus, which is transmitted by mosquitoes and carried by birds. There have also been three serial killings near Louisiana State University. Some in the state don't think this is a coincidence. Full Story >> |
By scrapping centralized database Attorney General confuses everyone U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft confirmed this week that all TIPS data will be kept in his personal secretary's head. Ashcroft called a press conference today to clarify the confusing remarks he made to Senators last week when speaking of the controversial new TIPS program. Full Story >> |
'Department of Agencies' has an ominous ring to some The Department of Homeland Defense, headed by Tom Ridge has been through it's share of changes in it's first few months of existence, and this week was no different. Full Story >> |
Has a secret meeting given Moussaoui new life? Federal authorities are investigating an apparent jailhouse visit between federal Judge Leonie Brinkema and alleged "20th hijacker" Zacarias Moussaoui late Saturday night. Full Story >> |
